stand up jokes
Stand Up Jokes
The following Buzzle article will give you a compilation of some of the funniest stand up jokes in the industry by some of the best comedians from the business; it will also list a few tricks on how you can go about writing your own material.
"I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse me, I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away."
― Jerry Seinfeld
If you enjoy stand up comedy immensely and often times wonder how these comedians are able to make humor seem so easy and make people laugh till they cry, there's just to say it is pure, unadulterated talent. It has been observed that a person learns to be funny based on certain experiences that they have in their life―especially the bad. The innate talent lies in taking a funny spin on the unfortunate incidents of life and presenting them in a way that makes people laugh. And not laugh at him, but with him.
Unfortunately, humor isn't everyone's cup of tea. But, it can definitely be worked upon and developed. Given below are certain key pointers on how to go about doing that, as well as a compilation of some of the best stand up jokes from the funniest names of the industry.
How to Write Stand Up Material
Laugh at Yourself
The open secret of the trade, and the first thing you need master in order to write stand up comedy material is to be able to laugh at yourself. Until and unless that happens, you will not be able to find material because everything will seem personal, and you will tend to go on the defensive.
Hone Observation Skills
When you see the show of a stand up comic, doesn't it seem like the comedian has had a lot of funny experiences? It is as if funny things keep happening to him/her and that he/she has an unusually funny life, friends, things, and experiences ... But there's the catch. It's not like the comedian has unusual, out-of-the-ordinary experiences, it's just that he/she has been able to observe something that can be given a comic spin to. Something just as mundane and ordinary that can be turned into a laugh riot.
The Delivery
Which then brings us to the next, very important, point―the delivery of the material. Let's take an example―take one of the jokes you heard the last time you saw a comedy act. Would that joke be just as funny if one of the most boring people you knew told it? That's where the talent of the comedian comes into the picture. The comedian has to tell the joke in a way that people find it funny and are able to laugh at it. For this, the comedian will use accents, actions, and funny voices to give the joke the punch it requires to make it funny.
Make it Incident Based
If you have noticed, comedians don't just go up on stage and read out a random list of jokes. They may use the jokes to create a funny situation around them. They tell a funny story and very often, run a full show based on that story. They bring in funny characters and create funny situations around them and then they'll be joking about it throughout the show. It's similar to a TV sitcom, where a good comedian creates a funny situation and then makes jokes based on it.
To conclude, funny things don't repeatedly happen to comedians. They choose to see the humor in normal day-to-day situations and then twist it, create a situation around it, and deliver the content well, which makes it very funny.Clean Stand Up Comedy Jokes
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
― Tommy Cooper
"A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well."
― Tommy Cooper
"A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'."
― Tommy Cooper
"I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it."
― Tommy Cooper
"Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?"
― Steve Wright
"Why is abbreviation such a long word?"
― Steve Wright
"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."
― Spike Milligan
"I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
― Steven Wright
"So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
― Tim Vine
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
― Tim Vine
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
― Tim Vine
"I've got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing―serves him right."
― Tim Vine
Stand Up Comedy Jokes for Adults
"Now there's a man with an open mind―you can feel the breeze from here."
― Groucho Marx
"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."
― Groucho Marx
"I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home."
― Groucho Marx
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
― Groucho Marx
"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."
― Groucho Marx
"Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
― Robin Williams
"When in doubt, go for the dick joke."
― Robin Williams
"Politics: "Poli" a Latin word meaning "many"; and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
― Robin Williams
"In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."
― Robin Williams
"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus."
― Robin Williams
"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge."
― Jerry Seinfeld
"I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
― Jerry Seinfeld
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
― Jerry Seinfeld
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
― Jerry Seinfeld
"Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there."
― Yakov Smirnoff
"In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!"
― Yakov Smirnoff
"Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list."
― Yakov Smirnoff