great one liners
Great One-Liners
This is one of the many brilliant one-line jokes: 'The more you complain, the longer God makes you live'. Such one-liners make you laugh even if you are in the worst of moods. Let's have a look at some other cool ones.
One-liners have a unique charm and ability. They can make you laugh your head off with just a single punch line. Or they make you understand the whole meaning behind a long story in short. Many hit the funny bone spot on, while others teach you something valuable in just a few seconds.
Here are the best from the rest. Sit back and enjoy!
One-liners by Famous People
☺"...but I also can't prove that mushrooms could not be intergalactic spaceships spying on us." ―Daniel Dennett
☺"He who angers you conquers you." ―Elizabeth Kenny
☺"If you're going through Hell, keep going." ―Sir Winston Churchill
☺"Do one thing every day that scares you." ―Eleanor Roosevelt
☺"Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." ―Helen Keller
☺"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" ―Mary Oliver
☺"If things seem under control, you're just not going fast enough." ―Mario Andretti
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☺"Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor." ―Ogden Nash
☺"I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception." ―Groucho Marx
☺"My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely." ―Les Dawson
☺"Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard." ―Spike Milligan
☺"Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little." ―Gore Vidal
☺"I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help"." ―Jimmy Carr
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☺"I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it." ―Ken Dodd
☺"I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back." ―Eric Morecambe
☺"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." ―Mark Twain
☺"I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup." ―Jerry Seinfeld
☺"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ―Ambrose Bierce
☺"Trying is the first step towards failure." ―Homer Simpson
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☺"My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade." ―Peter Kay
☺"The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse." ―Joan Rivers
☺"Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'" ―Conan O'Brien
☺"I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90." ―Richard Pryor
☺"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." ―Sam Kinison
☺"I'm on a whiskey diet...I've lost three days already." ―Tommy Cooper
☺'It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." ―Woody Allen
☺"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades" ―Demetri Martin
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☺"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." ―Bill Cosby
☺"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." ―Zach Galifianakis
☺"Reality continues to ruin my life." ―Bill Watterson
☺"Do well and you will have no need for ancestors." ―Voltaire
☺"Puberty is a phase... fifteen years of rejection is a lifestyle." ―Sue Kolinsky
☺"If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z; work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut." ―Albert Einstein
☺"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." ―Bill Watterson
☺"If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time." ―Edith Wharton
☺"In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular." ―Kathleen Norris
☺Sam: "How's life treating you Norm?"
Norm: "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife." ―George Wendt
☺"I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there." ―Herb Caen
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☺"Digestion is the great secret of life." ―(Sydney) Smith's Secret
☺"I've developed a new philosophy... I'm only going to dread one day at a time." ―Charley Brown
☺"If God were suddenly condemned to live the life which he has inflicted on men, he would kill himself." ―Alexandre Dumas
☺"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." ―Albert Einstein
☺"I'm the kind of guy who will have nothing all my life and then they'll discover oil while they're digging my grave." ―George Gobel
Cool One-liners for Social Media
☺"Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive."
☺"I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke."
☺"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."
☺"Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later."
☺"Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving."
☺"A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms."
☺"Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me."
☺"My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me."
☺"Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you."
☺"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone!"
☺"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
☺"Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often."
☺"Early to bed, early to rise ensures a healthy, dull demise."
☺"How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"
☺"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
☺ "Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them."
☺ "Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?' "
☺ "Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn."
☺ "The good girls keep the diaries the bad girls never have the time."
☺ "I always thought that if I were popular, I must be doing something wrong."
☺ "Unfortunately, sometimes people don't hear you until you scream."
☺"Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner."
☺ "The idea of strictly minding our own business is moldy rubbish. Who could be so selfish?"
☺"When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead."
☺"Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses; women for their strengths."
☺"There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works."
☺"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."
These witty one-liners may be funny, sensitive or just plain silly. But, I bet you must have enjoyed reading each line. One of my favorite one-liners also stands true when you are trying to make someone laugh, 'If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.'