funny facebook status quotes
Funny Facebook Status Quotes
Facebook surely is a great medium for sharing our thoughts and ideas. Our status updates allow us to share with the world, what we find interesting, humorous and sometimes weird. To add to the humorous, here are several funny Facebook status quotes that will add to your interesting feeds. Check them out!
Did You Know?
It is said that every 60 seconds, there are 293,000 status updates on Facebook.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
- Jim Carrey
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
- Mark Twain
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
- W. C. Fields
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
- Victor Hugo
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
- Douglas Adams
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
- Joe E. Lewis
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
- Bill Vaughan
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
- Walt Disney
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
- Jane Wagner
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
- Jerry Seinfeld
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
- Clint Eastwood
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
Don't argue with idiots because they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
- Greg King
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson
Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.
- Mark Twain
Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.
- Navjot Singh Sidhu
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
- Oscar Wilde
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
- Joey Adams
Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
- John Wilmot
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
- Steven Wright
The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.
- Robert Brault
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
- Sam Levenson
Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.
- Will Rogers
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
- Cynthia Walker McCullough
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
- Woody Allen
I have a mind like a steel trap. Stuff gets in there and WHAM! It never gets back out again.
- Will Rogers
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.
- George Buns
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
- Richard Gere
A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.
- Les Dawson
Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
- Oscar Wilde
Men are only as loyal as their options.
- Bill Maher
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
- George W. Bush
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Brian Gerald O'Driscoll
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Steven Wright
Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either.
- Jane Wagner
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
- Winston Churchill
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
- George Carlin
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- Wilson Mizner
God grant me the serenity to accept that people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I'm hostile and the wisdom to realize that murder is illegal.
- Oscar Wilde
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
- Will Rogers
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan
If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?
- Milton Berle