funniest quotes ever
Funniest Quotes Ever
The following article will surely bring a smile on your face as it brings forth some of the wittiest and funniest quotes by some well-known people. Have a laugh!
- "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."
- "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
- "The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one."
- "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
- "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it."
- "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
- "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- "The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."
- "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
- "If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him."
- "Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do."
- "Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers."
- "No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible."
- "If you are going through hell, keep going."
- "Winston, if I were your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee."―Lady Astor. "Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."―Winston Churchill
- "However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results."
- "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
- "I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos."
- "Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala."
- "No comment" is a comment."
- "The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."
- "Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!"
- "First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."
- "Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town."
- "There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that."
- "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
- "Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?"―Steve Martin as Harris K. Telemacher in 'L.A. Story' (1991)
- "Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom."
- "Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
- "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
- "Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge."
- "Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to."
- "If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty."
- "I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot."
- "You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz."―Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars
- "If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?"
- "This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!"
- "He who laughs last probably does not get the joke."
- "A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend...and a successful woman is one who can find such a man."