☻ What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator! ☺ How do you fit more pigs on your farm? Build a sty-scraper! ☻ Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. ☺ A backwards poet writes inverse. ☻ What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed. ☺ A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?" ☻ Why did the boy bring a stick of butter to the wedding? He heard you should toast the bride and groom. ☺ If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed? ☻ With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. ☺ A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative. ☻ What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer. ☺ When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. ☻ Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed! ☺ What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon! ☻ Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll. ☺ What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court! ☻ Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. ☺ Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools. ☻ The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones. ☺ How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you. ☻ What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll! ☺ No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery. ☻ Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken! ☺ What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady". ☻ A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. ☺ What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. ☻ What animals are on legal documents? Seals! ☺ Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny! ☻ Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee. ☺ Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience! ☻ How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans! ☺ Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! ☻ Dockyard: A physician's garden. ☺ What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down! ☻ The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum. ☺ "What's purple and 5000 miles long?" "Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!" ☻ Every calendar's days are numbered. ☺ This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill." ☻ I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two. ☺ What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch! ☻ When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he's a dandelion (dandy lion). ☺ Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted. ☻ A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. ☺ A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. ☻ Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. ☺ What do you call a marketplace that sells weird stuff? A bizarre bazaar! ☻ I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. ☺ He had a photographic memory that was never developed. ☻ Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants to the game? Just in case he got a hole in one.