best funny quotes
Best Funny Quotes
If you want to refresh your mind with a smile, go through some of the best funny quotes in this article and discover the humorous aspect of life.
- All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~ Jane Wagner
- Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~ P.D. East
- It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~ Anonymous
- Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~ Charles Schulz
- A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~ Fred Allen
- You can't have everything....where would you put it? ~ Anonymous
- I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. ~ Janeane Garofalo
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. ~ Jack Handey
- If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat? ~ Tom Snyder
- Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing entirely. ~ Anonymous
- Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. ~ Homer Simpson
- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" ~ Unknown
- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? ~ Author Unknown
- Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ~ Author Unknown
- Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat. ~ Dumb and Dumber (1994)
- Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice. ~ Horse Feathers (1932)
- Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. ~ Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear (1991)
- Bizu: [referring to Gluant] "And now he's pushing up the daisies." Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He is not 'pushing up the daisies,' he is DEAD! Bizu: [glares] It's an idiom! Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You, sir, are the idiom. ~ The Pink Panther
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do not leave Europe! Yuri: But we have matches in Asia. Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right. Do not leave Europe or Asia! Yuri: And we also have a match in Brazil. Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do not leave Europe, Asia, or the Americas! ~ The Pink Panther
- The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But, but, think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses. ~ Love and Death (1975)
- You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super-fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! ~ Shrek (2001)
- Scarecrow (Ray Bolger): 'I haven't got a brain... only straw.' Dorothy (Judy Garland): 'How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?' Scarecrow: 'I don't know... But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking... don't they?' Dorothy: 'Yes, I guess you're right.'~ Wizard of Oz
- Was she in there before you baked it?' (Gomez refers to the girl popping out of the cake at a bachelor party) ~ Addams Family Values
- Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex. ~ Hollywood Ending (2002)
- Harry: One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu. Mary: Really? That's weird. Harry: Yeah, we called it a bullshit. ~ Dumb & Dumber (1994)
- Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give - which is everything. ~ Anon
- An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. ~ Agatha Christie
- Love and electricity are one in the same, my dear. If you do not feel the jolt in your soul every time a kiss is shared, a whisper is spoken, a touch is felt, then you're not really in love at all. ~ C.J. Franks
- I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you." ~ Anonymous
- True love can blind you but at the same time if you let it, it can also open your eyes. ~ Unknown
- Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. ~ Unknown
- Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there. ~ Gracie Allen
- You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty. ~ Anonymous
- Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime. ~ Floyd
- Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. ~ Joey Adams
- To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ~ Helen Rowland