It's not everyday that you get to point out all the not-so-pleasant things in a marriage, especially when the wife is around. And yes, it can go both ways, with the fairer sex never failing to come up with the most brilliant quips. It remains an unspoken agreement between a man and a wife to keep all fights within the home. While outside, we may have to resort to wordplay and quotes. So join me as I collect the funniest things said about this sacred institution called marriage. I always cry at weddings, especially my own. - Humphrey Bogart I hate weddings. Old people would poke me saying You're next. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, You're next. - Author Unknown In a nerd wedding, instead of saying 'I do.' They say, 'I accept the terms and conditions.' - Unknown Music played at weddings always reminds me of the music played for soldiers before they go into battle. - Heinrich Heine By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates A wedding is like a funeral, but with musicians. - Patrick Dempsey (Mobsters - 1991) A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. - Grace Hansen A toast to the two secrets of a happy marriage: Here's to a good sense of humor and a short memory! - Author Unknown "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? - George Carlin Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. - Isadora Duncan Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. - Mickey Rooney In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. - Helen Rowland In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. - Groucho Marx The woman cries before the wedding and the man after. - Polish Proverb The most dangerous food a man can eat is wedding cake. - Author Unknown The trouble with women is that they get all excited about nothing... and then marry him! - Cher The surest way to be alone is to get married. - Gloria Steinem When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen Rowland Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed. - Oscar Wilde A word of caution: you never know if your spouse will or will not take these in light humor while at parties, so don't use all of them at once. We must, after all, preserve our own sanity while driving back home!